the writing's on the wall
by A Musing Cat
Summary: someone wrote some very intresting graffiti on the wall of colonel mustang's office. now he's pretty desperate to find out who it was... oneshot, rated for saftey, implied shonenai pairing.


hello people! this is my first oneshot, so i hope i did ok... yeah. this is an implied slash pairing. but i refuse to tell you which pairing. read the story and figure it out for yourself. yeah.   
fullmetal alchemist isn't mine, although i do own a fullmetal alchemist pillow case with edo-kun on it!

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"Mornin' chief" Havoc mumbled to mustang as the man passed. Mustang simply yawned in response as he trudged towards his office.

After he reached it and closed the door behind him (real pity it didn't have a lock, seeing as Hawkeye would put more bullet holes in the wall when she checked up on him and found him fast asleep), Havoc pretended to answer himself in a mockery of Mustang's voice.

"Hello Havoc. Wonderful morning don't you think? Keep up your good work doing whatever it is you do."

Breda snickered appreciatively. The two soldiers were about to return to what work they had been doing when-

"WHAT THE HELL?"

Breda promptly spilled his coffee all other his desk and Havoc actually spat out his cigarette in shock. They both turned to stare at the colonel's office door. The rest of Mustang's 'crew' (Falman, Fuery and Hawkeye) quickly rushed into the room.

"What was that?" Fuery stammered.

"Uh…" Havoc glanced at Mustang's door. "Paperwork?"

Hawkeye sighed. "Move aside." She said calmly and knocked on the colonel's door.

"Sir? Are you ok? We heard you scream."

Everyone in the room leaned forward to here their superior's response.

"Hawkeye! Um… don't- don't come in! Uh… actually… you can come in. but don't let anyone else!" Mustang said, opening the door a crack. Hawkeye sighed again and slipped into the room.

Breda, Falman, Havoc and Fuery all looked at one another. Havoc grimaced. "Well, we can at least listen through the door."

He snuck over to the door and pressed his ear against the wood.

Hawkeye and mustang seemed to be having a spirited discussion over something.

"Look, sir, with all due respect, I think you're possibly over reacting. It was probably just a prank. Or perhaps one of your admirers from… outside work."

"OVERREACTING? Are you serious Hawkeye? This isn't just a little 'joke'… not one that can be taken lightly anyway! As for the 'admirers' theory… do you really think even the most obsessed fangirl would do something like… like… oh, you know!"

" I could ask around if you'd like, see if any of the men know what's going on."

"What? NO! If anyone sees this… "

Havoc felt a big grin slide onto his face. "Ooh. Something's up with the colonel."

"Hey, don't keep it a secret. What's going on?" Breda asked.

"The chief's freaking out about something and Hawkeye's trying to calm him down. From the sound of it, someone did something weird to the colonel's office or something like that and the colonel's real frightened of anyone seeing it." Havoc's grin grew wider. "But they haven't said what it is. Sounds like it'd seriously destroy the chief's dignity though." Havoc said, turning to try to listen (eavesdrop) more.

"Umm… what are you doing?"

Havoc and the others turned to see Edward staring at them with a look of utter bafflement on his face.

"Hey Ed. What are you doing here?" Fuery asked. Ed held up a few stapled papers.

"I came to deliver my report to Colonel Shithead. Not that there's much to report. The tip we got didn't lead us anywhere." He grumbled, a scowl forming on his face. "But, anyway, what th' hell are you doing?"

"Somthin's up with the colonel. Apparently someone pulled a prank or something and the colonel's terrified it'll get out." Breda informed the brothers. Havoc grinned at the rest of them.

"Whatever it is, the chief's completely freaked. Hawkeye asked if he wanted to ask around about it and he practically fainted." He turned to look at the closed door of his superior's office. "But seeing as the chief won't say what's going on out loud, I've got to keep eavs- er, listening, to keep you all informed."

An evil grin spread across Ed's face.

"Heck, why bother with that…" he said, marching up to the door and shoving havoc out of the way.

"Hey, what are you-" Havoc didn't get to finish his sentence before ed clapped his hands together and placed them against the door, transmuting it out of the way.

Havoc, Breda, Falman and Fuery all peered into the now wide-open doorway around Ed.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Everyone except Ed promptly fell backwards as Mustang jumped in front of the doorway, a funny look on his face.

"Havoc said you were freaking out about something and I'm not going to miss any chance to get blackmail material." Ed said calmly.

Mustang's face was instantly blank. "Nothing's happening. Havoc must have misheard, there's nothing going on and there's no reason for you to come into my office. Anyway Fullmetal, what are you doing here?"

Ed sighed and held up the papers of his report yet again. "My report?" he said, waving them in Mustang's face. Mustang snatched them out of Ed's hand.

"Good, great! Whatever! Just… leave! And fix my door!"

"Uh… sir, what is that?' everyone turned to look first at Fuery, then in the direction of where he was pointing over Mustang's head.

Mustang turned a shade of red to rival Ed's coat as everyone stared blankly at 'it' for a few moments.

"Er… well… I believe it's… a type of graffiti… or something along those lines…" Falman mumbled in answer to Fuery's question (Fuery himself just looked a bit shocked).

Breda stared blankly while havoc seemed to be struggling not to laugh.

Ed just stared with an increasingly disturbed expression on his face. Shoving his way around mustang (who now seemed accepting of his fate to be humiliated), Ed walked up to the back wall of the colonel's office. He stared at 'it' for a few moment's then turned to face Hawkeye, who'd been standing next to the desk watching everything with an unusual patience.

"What does that say? Because I think I'm reading it wrong. I really, really hope I'm reading it wrong. Because this is jus plain… plain…'

"Disturbing?" Breda suggested.

"Offensive?" Asked Falman

" A really good strategy for embarrassing the chief while putting a very disturbing mental image in everyone's head?" Havoc offered.

"I didn't need to read that." Fuery sighed.

Written in black marker in huge letters on the wall were the words:

"ROY MUSTANG WOULD LOOK DAMN SEXY IN A MINI-SKIRT"

Up to this moment, mustang had seemed reasonably sane, but now he seemed to have snapped. "This CANNOT get out. You all can't tell anyone. Or even better…" an eerie smile appeared on the colonel's face as he pulled on one of his ignition gloves.

"I'll just turn you all into charcoal"

Everyone's faces paled. Luckily, before mustang could carry out his death threat, Hawkeye shot at the ceiling, successfully stopping any and all events.

"Now.' She said calmly 'none of you are leaving until I've asked each of you some questions about… that" she waved her gun at the graffiti, causing Ed to jump nervously.

She walked up to Ed. "Edward. Did you have anything to do with this?"

A look of disgust appeared on Ed's face. "Uh, do you really think I would have written 'that'?"

"Not really. Hawkeye admitted. 'But I have to ask everyone, just to be sure."

Ed nodded and rolled his eyes as soon as Hawkeye's back was turned.

She calmly walked up to Fuery who had been watching the proceedings with a disturbed look on his eye.

"Did you have anything to do with-"

"No way!" Fuery protested.

Hawkeye nodded. "I didn't think so. Falman, same question."

"I assure you, I had nothing to do with this."

"Of course. Breda?"

"Yeah, right."

"Havoc?"

Every one turned to look at Havoc, who was still trying hard not just plain break out in laughter.

"W-what? Why everyone staring at me? Yeah, it's hilarious, but I didn't do it!" he protested.

Mustang stared at him. "Well, it's the type of thing you'd do."

"I don't think of you that way!" Havoc protested.

Mustang sighed "I meant pulling a humiliating prank on me. Whatever, you're all allowed to go do… whatever. Just don't tell anyone about this. And Ed, if you don't fix my door, I'll make you wash… 'It'… off my wall."

Ed bent down and picked up something from the floor. "I hate to tell you this (well, actually I don't) but that stuff isn't coming off the wall anytime soon."

Mustang's left eye twitched. "And why, Fullmetal, is that?"

Ed waved the permanent marker in the air and then started to read off the side.

"Permanent marker leaves mostly permanent ink on fabric, skin, plaster, wood, metal, dry paint, etc." Ed grinned "so short of several hours scrubbing with some paint remover, that 'thing' is on your wall to stay. Good thing it's such a slow day today, huh Colonel Shithead?'

Mustang just sighed.

"Fix my door and get out of my office, Fullmetal."

Ed shrugged and walked out of the office. "Well, this has been interesting. Colonel Shithead, remember to read my report. See you guys around."

Ed strode off. Everyone watched him go and then turned to look at Mustang. The colonel sat down in his chair and rubbed both temples.

"Everyone. Get. Out."

"But, colonel-"

"Out, Out, OUT!"

"Right…" Mustang's crew hurried off to their respective workspaces.

The colonel sighed and glanced up at the writing on his office wall before turning to look at Ed's report. He blinked at the handwriting and then turned to look back at the graffiti, then back at the handwriting. He frowned, staring across the room at the door.

"Oh…"


End file.
